Things i learnt about myself today:
-i can estimate one minute exactly (ought to go on some game show)
-i can hold four matchsticks by the ends between my eight fingers at the same time (try to visualise it)
-i can't blow hard (air, that is) without air leaking between my teeth around the canines, creating turbulence.
-i can remember names of minor characters from a novel i read seven years ago...
-yet i can't recall whether i've read a certain book before.
Answers to Men's Questions by an Anonymous Female
(the questions themselves are really quite unimportant in the spirit of the answers)
1. It's just an illusion. Women go to the bathroom all the time. Men only seem to notice when we go to the bathroom in groups.
2. I like salads because of salad dressing. Lettuce is simply nature's vehicle for conveying tasty sauces into the body. And as for steak. I love steak so much that it singlehandedly kept me involved with one guy who used steak as a bargaining chip. If he'd apologized by taking me out for salad I assure you I would not have stayed in that relationship as long as I did.
3. No you can't. The only thing men can think of to do on a weekend usually involves network sports broadcasts.
4. I can't answer this one. I would never take a boy shopping. I personally think girls who take their boyfriends shopping are either clinically insane or secretly trying to drive their boyfriends into breaking up with them in the tried and true male method of "maybe if I'm mean enough she'll leave me alone."
5. One word: vibrators.
6. I don't have a preference. Uncircum-cised is more exciting because, well, there's just more going on and more to play with but there's a lot to be said for the streamlined look too.
7. Women go to the bathroom in pairs in order to discuss the men they're with. Particularly to discuss penis size. God. Men are so paranoid.
8. Men make everything complicated by their failure to understand the game so women are constantly having to go over the rules and the context-specific application thereof. It has always mystified me why men, who are masters at arcane pre-relationship rules (i.e., when to call back, what venue is appropriate for the fourth date, etc.) seem to balk at the idea of relationship rules.
9. Eyebrows are the only facial hair women have. If we had a whole field of facial hair to groom into little beards and sideburns and mustaches then we probably wouldn't pay so much attention to our eyebrows. In fact, you could argue that our lack of personal facial hair is what makes us so opinionated about our boyfriend's.
10. Because.
11. Mostly we just gossip. On a kind of intellectual level gossip is the means by which women become friends, it's our way of conveying our values and beliefs to one another. And we discuss shopping. We're busy people and it helps us save precious time if we know which stores currently have good stock in or good sales going on. And of course we discuss sex. Guys are really bad at telling you what they like in bed, they're too shy and too squeamish. But girls have no qualms swapping blow-by-blow tips on what seems to work and what doesn't. It's also very useful to know that the guy who just asked you to do X or Y isn't actually the total freak you thought he was because it turns out one of your girlfriends has already done X and Y.
12. There are only three basic fight endings: The Thoughtful Gesture, Behavioral Modification, and Talking. Combining the endings in the proper order is of course the tricky part. If the fight is about a behavior ("You never do the dishes") you pretty much have to lead with Behavioral Modification (do the damn dishes already) and follow up with a Thoughtful Gesture (dinner date, cute present). Never try to end a behavior fight with Talking because despite what you think women don't really have to talk everything out. Never try to end an issue fight (Talking) with a solo Thoughtful Gesture because you'll just seem completely insensitive.
13. Shaved is weird. Trimmed is good. If you start out trimmed chances are we'll never really notice the effort. We'll only notice the overall pleasantness of the effect.
14. Deep down most girls have already "experimented." If she has and she wasn't into it then damned if she's going to admit to it and further fuel your hopeless imagination. And if she was into it she might be worried that your fragile ego can't take watching her get off that much faster with a women than with you.
15. The only way to convince a girl you adore a particular body part is to lavish it with affection as often as humanly possible.
16. Remain calm. Act normal. Don't talk about it. Wait until another time, preferably just after hopping in bed with the lights off so there's no pressure to make eye contact, to see if she even wants to discuss it. If she doesn't want delve into it then you're going to have to let it go for a while, maybe forever, until she brings it up again on her own.
17. Yes. Too small can be a little bit of a let down but it's easy to compensate with action and enthusiasm and a wide array of alternative techniques. Too large is actually a nightmare because certain positions hurt like hell and others can cause something of a gag reflex, so to speak. However, and I'm sorry to disappoint you, too large is incredibly rare.
18. Some women really love it; it's fun to know how much power you wield. But a smart women can and will easily trick you into thinking she's a true enthusiast. Just take it when you can get it and don't quiz us too much about it.
19. Sometimes, as you well know, we just feel fat. Other times maybe we're tired and worried it'll show in our expression. But to be brutally honest, sometimes we just aren't turned on by the sight of a naked man. You might be a great guy and a fabulous lover but if you're not the world's best looker then why shine a light on that?
20. I have no idea. Every time a woman fakes an orgasm she's making a guy into a worse lover. It's a crime against the sisterhood.
21. More often than I'm going to admit.
22. After extensive research (c.f., Talking On The Phone) it seems that tragically a lot of women don't masturbate more often than once a week. But that's just hearsay. The girls I know own up to far greater frequencies and admit to using it like sleeping pills. Often while their boyfriends snooze innocently next to them in bed. Sometimes it's just easier to do it yourself.
23. You're bad in bed. Girls will always initiate sex if they know you can deliver the goods.
24. Sex without condoms feels better. It's smoother, juicier and more electric. But it's also more terrifying. So, yes, it makes a difference. A big huge health difference.
25. I don't resent men who hang out with guys. What kind of double standard would that be? I mean, *I* like to hang out with guys.
26. If it's a one off thing then I don't want to know. I don't want to be told and I don't want to suddenly discover I've got some heinous STD. If it's a repeated thing then I want to know so I can drop the sorry asshole ASAP.
27. Cramps feel like someone's stuck a large knife in through your stomach and pulled it out your uterus just after you've had a 16 oz steak and half a dozen pints of beer.
28. Girls are unbelievably graphic. Not always about their current lovers but certainly about the old ones. A typical conversation about an ex lover would cover position angles, knee placement, thrust depth, hip mobility, tongue flexibility, lip strength, liquid densities, taste, smell, color, textures, overall hairiness, girth and firmness, duration. We recount minute details such as how clothing was removed and in what order, number of fingers used, where and for how long, the thread count of the sheets, the choice and placement of wall art. We mimic facial expressions, we recap verbal utterances. I guess we're evil but knowledge is power.
29. I don't think women's fantasies are really all that detailed. They're usually more along the lines of "please don't ever stop."
30. A duvet is the expensive, puffy, down comforter that your girlfriend does not want you to come all over.
31. The taste can be pretty horrific sometimes so there's always an initial element of hesitation. And it doesn't exactly feel great to have something shooting suddenly down your throat. Certainly the natural gag reflex isn't easy. Particularly for bulimics.
32. No. Never. Lies, obfuscation and topic changes are what we want. That or more sex. Desire is always reassuring.
33. Theoretically porn is OK but in reality it's usually just unattractive or demeaning.
34. Why would anyone put down the seat cover? Girls don't even do that.
35. I don't know. Because men give them to us?
36. I can't answer this. I don't even remember the last time I saw a guy cry.
37. Looks can take a guy a long way but clothing and grooming will almost always compensate for a lack of height or hair.
38. I can't vouch for all women but my feeling is that men should always offer to pay. Being broke is no excuse. A guy can always specify a venue within his means. And if he can't then he's spineless or bad at planning and both of those qualities don't bode well in the bedroom. A well-bred girl these days will usually offer to split the check unless the chosen venue is completely beyond her ability to do so. The man should then refuse the girl's offer to split the check. I know this sounds archaic and Emily Post but a girl's first offer to split a check is usually her way of saying, "I appreciate your willingness to pay and I just want you to know I'm not going to take you for all you're worth." Offers to pay for subsequent cabs or after dinner drinks should not be interpreted as ball-busting feminist moves but merely as polite expressions of gratitude. However, if a woman insists on paying her way chances are she doesn't want to feel obligated to you and probably is never going to call you back let alone sleep with you.
39. Sex in the City makes us feel better. Watching smart, gorgeous, well-off, attractive, complete weirdos reassures us that our lives are fairly normal by comparison. Plus the show gives us a great excuse to discuss our sex lives.
40. No idea. I've never understood the whole Princess Di thing.
41. Yes. But only after they sleep together. Just kidding. Actually though that helps a lot. It's much easier to be friends with men if you know you never want to sleep with them and if they know you're really and truly never going to. But male friends are different than female friends. It's not as fun to shop or eat chocolate cake or discuss sex with male friends as it is with girlfriends.
42. That all depends on how old the youngest person is. A 35-year old and a 50 year-old is reasonable but a 30-year old with a 15-year old is weird. And illegal. Furthermore, an acceptable age difference is partially dependent on the nature of the relationship. It would be strange for a 33-year old woman to date a 19-year old boy if her immediate goal was marriage and children but if she's just looking for a good time then vive la différence or whatever.
43. Everyone gets swept up in a moment. Sometimes girls get swept up in the moment of liking you and then suddenly they're swept up in the moment of liking somebody else. But mostly I think what happens is that we go out with men we like and then they do something completely unacceptable or maybe just annoying and so mid-date we just stop liking them. Only it's far easier to finish off a date without letting on to our sudden change of heart than it is to expose our new feelings and run the risk of having to Discuss It. Contrary to popular belief women dislike Having A Discussion as much as men do.
44. Brad Pitt has a great ass.
45. I think the practice is deplorable. Unless of course the other woman is deplorable. Then it's OK. Of course.
46. Girls go for bad guys because they seem more unusual, less dull, more adventuresome. And we're hoping that will translate into the bedroom. Usually it doesn't though. Which is a major disappointment. But hope burns eternal.
47. White wine or red? I'll only drink white wine if I have a bad hangover. I'll choose red wine over a cocktail if I think it's going to be a long night and I'm hoping to remain mostly sober. Wine over beer because beer is filling and makes you puffy and you know how women are about feeling puffy. And sometimes I've been known to go with red wine simply because it matches my lipstick. Which is admittedly crazy but you asked.
48. God. Good question. I have no idea.
49. Well we kind of have. The last bridal shower I attended was a weekend in Vegas and all I can say is that while there was no shortage of lacy lingerie it was mostly being worn, transitionally at that, and not being unwrapped whilst nibbling over dainty tea sandwiches.
50. Not in my world. Most of my friends waited so long to get married that they knew what they were doing and they don't feel the need to have their friends express support by jumping on the same bandwagon. Plus considering some of my ex boyfriends I think it's safe to say my friends are probably relieved I've never gotten married.
Female readers are free to email me alternate answers (you're smarter than males, you can figure out the questions)
i don't feel like typing much today, here are some random sites with a philosophy theme. (why, you have a problem with that?)
This beats any terrestial TV station hands up, down, left and right. (for serious readers out there with some brain)
Found on several philosophers' homepages, including my philosophy lecturer. no, you don't need any prior knowledge.
Who Wants to be a Philosopher? (hey, i got 1000 000 kudos)
Ever wonder what all those philosophical jargon means?
Yes.
No, i wanna go to CyberNude.
Posted my photo on
this site but it has yet to receive a rating, although the webmaster did email me about sharp decreases in visits or something like that.
Since i've been watching lots of movies lately on DVD/VCD, it occurred to me that i could write a screenplay of my own. given my vast intellect and overt creativity, a brilliant script is not far from question. and indeed i've been scouring the web doing research for my work,
this site has proven especially useful. despite the fact that the project has commenced some time ago, no outstanding, Oscar-worthy idea for a screenplay has emerged from the froth of my bubbling imagination; until last night. i've given a few hours for myself to let the idea ferment and crystallise and now it's ready for the public view.
Press Conference
Me: Thank you gentlemen for taking time off to attend this press conference...random niceties...irrelevant information...so i'll cut my monologue short and get straight to the Q n A session, shall we?
Random journalist: i understand that no working title has been given for the movie...
Me: Oh yes, forgot to explain that part, but first could you remove your finger from your nostril? it kinda unsettles me; yes i do hope that you wash your middle finger after this. The reason is that we have no wish to restrict any potential creative outputs during the filming by a title. during filming, it shall be referred to vaguely as 'A brilliant movie directed and written the Great KynTheMan'.
Another RJ: i believe im speaking for most of us here when we say the plot is somewhat convoluted and nearly-impossible to comprehend. aren't you afraid that you might alienate many viewers?
Me: No actually. we'll generate lots of pre-release buzz by showing the film to eminent critics, who can be relied on to give superlative reviews, positive of course, for films they don't understand and then we'll bribe and/or coerce the other small-time journalists who usually have no backbone to speak of. Naturally audiences will flock to my highly-rated and anticipated film upon release; i use the word 'flock' because it's well-known in the entertainment industry that audiences have no minds of their own.
ARJ: How are you able to finance the huge paychecks of the stars you intend to use?
Me: It should be clarified that nobody featured in the film will have a pay of over one million US dollars, except me of course. (hoos and has) please gentlemen let me explain how this came to be. We got Russell Crowe onto the bandwagon by convincing him that this role is confirmed shoo-in for Best Actor at the Academy Awards. He is supported by the obviously very talented actor Michael Jackson who is eager for positive publicity for his upcoming album. The film is also liberally sprinkled with cheap but excellent thespians like Meryl Streep, Dustin Hoffman, Sissy Spacek, Christopher Walken and so forth. In fact Daniel Day-Lewis has just agreed to play a role provided he is allowed to 'eat up the whole scene' every time he appears and we have some obscure trade for him to dabble in on the set. We have also some cameos by non-movie superstars that are itching to get some screen time. Most of them are confidential but i can at least let you in that David Bowie is playing a cashier (inspired by a dream, really!).
ARJ: (laughs) is it true you intend to have a cameo role yourself?
Me: im still considering it, given how audiences don't exactly welcome cameo roles by directors like M. Night Shyamalan and Spike Lee.
ARJ: How did you come up with such a complex screenplay?
Me: Well, i could say the vagaries of genius but that would be too immodest. actually it's a combination of elements in some of the most critically-acclaimed films. the structure of the narrative includes Memento's backward storytelling, The Hours' juxtaposition of character activities and concepts of stream of consciousness and Proustian introspection and observations of the minute, invigorated for film. We will also incorporate some aspects that have been quite popular recently; unreliable narrator due to some mental disorder, simultaneous conversations and perhaps some song and dance numbers.
ARJ: i still didn't quite get your film's genre.
Me: Like i mentioned earlier, a work of such magnitude of intricacies cannot be arbitrarily assigned to some category. There are elements of a murder mystery, a heartwrenching love story, an action blockbuster and also a psychological thriller. My producer had wanted to include some apocalytical scenario but i thought it was overdoing it.
ARJ: Is the film, at four and a half hours, a tad too long?
Me: Oh dear no. the general public equates duration with quality. besides they might want to buy the DVD later so that they can capture every nuance.
ARJ: i've heard that even your movie soundtrack is a breakthrough.
Me: Right, normally movie scores have a prinicpal composer. But we're not taking any chances with the Best Score/Song from a Featured Film Oscars, so we've employed John Williams, Michael Nyman, James Horner and Hans Zimmer, the others had other commitments.
ARJ: There have been some disquiet over your enormous paycheck...
Me: The director is the most important person in any film. i'm sorry but that's all the time i've for you today. Thank you.
A glimpse into the psyche of one of the most sought after men in the world.
Was trudging around campus wearily when i had one of the most refreshing sights i had in a long time that has nothing to do with females. An obese undergraduate strutting around with a 'Shock and Awe' T-shirt on. frankly speaking i don't quite grasp the 'shock and awe' concept, what is the element that elicits such strong emotional responses about the whole military campaign? the most educated guess would be the war budget i suppose. a journalist commented that the missiles were more valuable than the buildings they were destroying and the Iraqis get a passable fireworks display while sitting on their rooftops sipping camel milk, though i distance myself from his suggestions of Dresden-type bombings to blast Iraq back into the Stone Age or a siege to make Leningrad look like Club Med. im mentally tired, maybe i should watch a relaxing movie like Tigerland which i just rented, which im sure will take my mind off the events in the Middle East.
How Panglossian.
A female told me today that she felt i was a quiet and reserved person. how i responded, i've forgetten but it was neither dismissive nor acknowledging. all i can say now is: Way off, sister! that's one bad call. your sense of judgment will lead you astray someday. It reminds me of a newspaper report which i've read about a serial rapist that was recently apprehended and his girlfriend was telling the journalists what a wonderful guy he was and how he sincerely respected women. Surely it ranks as one of the top ten misattributions about me, the top five being:
5. that im gentle
4. that im mature
3. that im a sensitive person who could be pictured playing guitar and singing love songs to my girlfriend by the beach.
2. that im decent and not the type to take advantage of females under any circumstance
1. that i am a nice gentleman
i remember for the number 1 remark, every bone and sinew were laughing within my body, though it must be admitted that i kept my composure under such ridiculous conditions. people that know me at least reasonably well can no doubt ascertain how ludicrous the statements are.
Ennui, an old friend, decided to pay me a visit and we had a cup of tea together with his pals already at my place, Existential Angst and Malaise. the weather has been pretty terrible these few days; hot and wet, which is how i like my women but definitely not weather. i realised today how troublesome it is to force a smile at everyone whom i know that i meet around campus, though females seem to manage it rather well. wouldn't it be easier to hurl vulgarities at each other instead? at least it would be a cathartic experience.
Me: Hey, haven't seen you around shithole!
Acquaintance: Right, up yours, understand?!
Me: Screw you around some other time.
Acquaintance: Okay then, sod off!
Yes,
just what i need to boost my flagging spirits and to inspire me to work harder for greater heights.
At last,
a boardgame the whole family can play together.
Nowadays females are using better and subtler pick-up lines. in fact i've been approached by nubile and winsome females, whom i didn't know, the past two days. The first one said, 'May i borrow your handphone please?' and then flashed a megawatt smile, while the other asked, ' Can you lend me last week's cognitive psychology notes? i'm afraid i didn't attend the last lecture.' and followed the request with a delicious pout, complemented with sparkling eyes. evidently they know that men desire to feel needed by their women. in case you're wondering, i lent the first girl my phone but couldn't fulfill the second's request; not because i preferred the first one but rather because i didn't copy any notes for the lecture. must learn to tone down my killer charm, since being constantly approached by females is most inconvenient.
Remember my male friend from the March 18th blog entry? here is an excerpt from our conversation today:
Me: ...
...so there was this girl with a ridiculous email address, cutegal(+ two digits)@%&*@#.com. cute, my foot! she looks like a scrotum!
Friend: (evidently failed to hear last part) what, what? cutegal? are you talking about (insert name of that same particular girl)? she's cute right? do you think she's kinda cute?
Me: (rolling my eyes in exasperation) never mind, i wasn't talking about her.
The next time he asks me the same bloody question, im gonna flare, 'Cute? she looks like a cuttlefish, and only old sodden fishermen like cuttlefish!' which i feel is exceedingly unfair to the girl in question because she is in reality far from ugly.
i don't normally comment on affairs in the entertainment industry, a topic somewhat unbefitting of my great intellect. but i was watching the repeat telecast of the Academy Awards. i was astonished by the ability of Adrien Brody to make humourous remarks. Why, his melancholic countenance makes Nicholas Cage look like the Joker. in fact if he were to be in Iraq right now, im sure the UN personnel would provide him with humanitarian aid. By the way, i believe he had planned to smooch Halle Berry all along, it's the only occasion where he can get away with it.
Kinda screwed up my oral exam, but i suppose it only reflects my less-than-ideal standard. due to the exam i had a three and a half hour break which was spent watching Malcolm X in the library, which i haven't watched before. i think even 200 minutes of the movie doesn't do the book justice and leaves the audience with a few unanswered questions if they have no prior knowledge. still it doesn't distract from the fact that it's a moving and powerful film. i think i'll further explore the multimedia resources section of the library to see what other movies they might have which i would like to watch; well it sure beats studying.
At last, a
grand summary of all the philosophical thought, Western and Eastern, from the past 2500 years. a must-read for philosophy buffs.
Used to be an avid RPG gamer, but nowadays i can't find anybody to play with me (as in participate in a RPG of the Dungeons and Dragons variety with me, rather than any kinky bedroom activities) actually since i was a little boy, i've almost always been the Dungeonmaster. but my impression is that fewer people are playing such games nowadays; i guess they woud rather immerse themselves in an artificially-created, microprocessor-powered PC/PS gaming environment than use their oft-neglected sense of imagination. but no high-speed chip can ever hope to match the intricacies the mind can generate. If you're or had been a gamer, you might just find
this funny. if not, you still should be able to understand the following.
If I ever become an Evil Overlord:
My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll shoot him, and then say "No".
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. (End of original, start of new section)
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatable with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well'' and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
my score is 37%, not too bad, at least i can sleep at ease tonight.
My German oral exam is on Monday and i seriously need help. Kindly email to me a monologue that will last about six minutes on the following topics:
1. Geschenke/Geschenkideen
2. Musik
3. Biographie/Lebenlauf
4. Feiertage
References to German culture in the script would be very much appreciated, and do note i'm only at elementary level, so no esoteric vocabulary or complex sentence structures please.
Breaking news: Jean Baudrillard declares there is no war in Iraq. (don't think too many people got that)
Anyway today i was at the bookstore and there was an Australian lady (judging from her accent) and her effervescent eight-ten year old son standing in the queue in front of me. The boy was pointing to a copy of Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being.
'Mommy, you've got this book, haven't you?'
'Yes'
'Mommy, can i read it then?'
'No, dear. the book isn't suitable for children.'
'But i've read lots of books that aren't suitable for children!'
Ah, the precocious youth of today! but honesty the book really isn't suitable for kids. It's much too difficult, well at least i had lots of problems with it. besides everyone knows you should start with Lady Chatterley's Lover.
Heard on late-night TV:
"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded." —Jay Leno
"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war." —Jay Leno
"Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is." —Jon Stewart
"President Bush agreed today to allow more weapons inspectors in Iraq. As I understand he has 250,000 of them ready to go." —Jay Leno
"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular." —Jay Leno
"The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and Spain." —Bill Maher
"On Sunday, the president flies to the Azores islands to attend a summit with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Aznar, and here's my prediction: Bush gets voted off." —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up." —Craig Kilborn
"According to the Pentagon today, secret surrender negotiations are now underway with key Iraqi military officials. That's what the Pentagon said: We're in secret negotiations, so for God sakes, don't tell anyone. ... What we're doing basically is giving these key Iraqi military officials instructions on how to surrender. See, this is where we could have used the French." —Jay Leno
"CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'" —Conan O'Brien
"One of the interpreters hired by CBS for the Dan Rather/Saddam Hussein interview adopted a phony Arabic accent. You know, maybe CBS should have hired somebody with a fake Dan Rather accent to ask tougher questions." —Jay Leno
"New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut." —Craig Kilborn
"All Iraq has to do is get rid of its conventional weapons, disclose the location of its biological, chemical and nuclear weapons and destroy them . . . by Monday. If Iraq has weapons of mass destruction it would have to use weapons of mass destruction to destroy them . . . by Monday. But if it does that, it would be an admission that it has weapons of mass destruction, which would be grounds for war." —The Daily Show's Stephen Colbert, explaining whether war can be averted
"Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free." —Jay Leno
"Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.'" —Conan O'Brien
"Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'" —Bill Maher
"Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language." —Jay Leno
"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida." —Jay Leno
"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." —David Letterman
"The latest word is that Saddam Hussein is now creating a buffer zone in Northern Iraq to defend against a northern invasion. Experts say if he's successful this could extend the length of the war by up to seven minutes." —Jay Leno
"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" —Craig Kilborn
"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem — it's in North Korea." —Jon Stewart
"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." —David Letterman
"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" —Jay Leno
"Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves." —Jay Leno
"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline." —Jay Leno
"U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?" —Jay Leno
"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education – anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda – and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out." —Jay Leno
"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?" —Jay Leno
"President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported [him] by voting for Nader." —Jon Stewart, on anti-war protests
"In California, 50 women protested the im pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president." —Jay Leno
(complied by Daniel Kurtzman)
Finally finished my paper, so i switched on the TV and saw the strangest thing. Long, still landscape shots of some city, camera fixated on the most unremarkable skies. then occasional pyrotechnics display; well i've seen more impressive fireworks. Not exactly compelling viewing. i'd wanted to catch a Akira Kurosawa film on telly last night but i was too engrossed in my work. To people that know me well, no i haven't made a mistake; it's Akira Kurosawa, not Ai Kurosawa. where i come from, Ai Kurosawa films aren't available on public television.
i know at least two people who have tasted their semen, and a few others who put their emissions to interesting use, i use 'interesting' because it's the only word that can be generalized in summary of all the purposes. The scary aspect of it all is that they all came from the same class; yes, i came from that class. but no matter what you do, don't swallow, as shown by the following piece.
Troubled of Battersea wrote:
Dear Mr Guru,
Please help me as I have reached a crisis point in my life and I don't know what to do. I have recently made a rather terrifying discovery. Last night I was out with my flat mate, when he quite casually dropped into the conversation that he frequently has a wank, catches the sperm in his hand and gobbles it up. I feel very perturbed about this - does this mean he gobbles sperm from other males? Is this how he keeps his skin so soft and smooth, and doesn't need to shave every day? can you catch anything from eating own sperm? Should I tell a friend or perhaps a sympathetic teacher? I was thinking of writing with a picture to the Sport, but maybe another tabloid would be more suitable. Please advise
Troubled, Battersea x
Dear Troubled
I sympathise with your dilemma. You must be very concerned.
There is one particular risk involved in eating one's own sperm, of which your flatmate should be made aware.
As you know, during a normal fertilisation, involving a sperm and an egg, there is a transfer of DNA leading to an offspring with properties inherited from both germ cells and hence both parents. This is invaluable in evolutionary terms and ensures a healthy gene pool for the human race and complex multi-cellular life in general.
However, problems can arise from this wonder of nature if one eats one's own sperm. Sperms, ingested orally and finding themselves in the digestive tract, have no cognitive abilities and hence behave as if they were in a womb, as they are programmed to do. This means they actively search out cells with which to merge and become fertile.
Unfortunately, in the bowel, the only available partners for this foetal generation are shit cells. This can lead, in some cases, to the genesis of a foetus inheriting half of the genetic properties of the sperm, and half of the genetic properties of a piece of shit.
This shitty foetus will gestate in the colon for nine months, after which it will burst forth from the arse of the parent in an extremely painful bowel movement.
These shit babies stink and are violently emotionally unstable. They also have enormous strength (roughly equivalent to that of an average Godzilla). They often go on a rampage, killing millions of innocent civilians before they finally climb the Empire State Building with a captive woman and are shot by bi-planes.
I would hence urge you to urge your flatmate to cease this activity, lest millions of innocents should face a shitty death.
Regards,
The Guru
(many female readers are looking down in guilt)
i can't quite fathom what
this clip is all about.
i've heard that travel packages to the Middle East are especially cheap now, i wonder why. i've always wanted to see the Sumerian/Babylonian ruins of Mesopotamia, if only i could find somebody to go with me. it's kinda difficult to find a suitable travelmate, someone who isn't picky about accomodation or food and shares a intrinsic sense of wonder towards exotic lands. Anyway i won't blog too much these couple of days; you see, i've an eight-page Political Science paper to submit by Friday and i haven't started writing yet. My friend has handed up his paper today and evidently he feels that eight pages do not allow him to sufficiently delineate his insightful arguments and do justice to his flairful yet grittily cogent writing abilities, and therefore he has written fourteen pages. the complete set of readings i've collected for the purposes of this assignment don't even amount to fourteen pages.
last night i've finally figured out what hundreds of columnists and tabloid journalists have failed to do: who Michael Jackson is trying to look like. i was listening to
this artiste's album when i was struck by the insight. The reason for linking this page is thus: Scan the thumbnails quickly and estimate how many of them can reasonably pass off as MJ pictures. The truth will shock and enlighten you.
Today i was asked rhetorically whether or not i was a loner and i didn't answer the question then; besides who answers a rhetorical question? i do! So this is my standpoint: im merely comfortable with my company and i find no need to attract people to my side for fear of loneliness. even if im lonely, was it not said (by Hermann Hesse i think) that loneliness is the way by which destiny endeavours to lead man to himself? i'd prefer to believe loneliness is the wretchedness of superior beings (Faguet).
Having mentioned a particular girl's name at least twice in a minute, a male friend proceeded to ask me if i found her cute. bearing in mind the obvious implications of answering a tricky question like that, i dismissed it with a grunt. i think cute is too inexact a word to be used to summarize the physical qualities of a given person. There is Cameron Diaz-cute and there is Chewbacca-cute (well, i'd rather enjoyed the alliteration). by most people's admission (i stress most), Cameron Diaz and Chewbacca share little physical resemblance. Personally i'd find
these cute, but that's just me. (Acknowledgements to Joel Veitch, it's about time, i link and will link to many of his works).
Cut myself shaving today, so i was left walking around campus with a highly noticable red line on my visage. Reminder to self: Do not attempt to shave while breakdancing.
on one end of the self-esteem continuum are females who believe they're God's plan to beautify the universe and make no attempt to conceal their belief; on the other end are females who consciously or subconsciously have the idea that people in general don't want to see them. they scamper and scurry around, heads looking down, trying their utmost to be inconspicuous. The former irritate me no end, no a qualification is in order, females who think they're gorgeous when in fact they're merely passable. the incessant attention of a few what i deem spermatozoa-rush-to-the-peabrain inDUHviduals (male of course) have blown their self-esteem all out of proportions. moreover they hold the deep-seated conviction that all individuals with functional balls hanging between their legs are infatuated madly with them.
in true Dilbertian tradition i've a geek name. Find out yours
here. Ashamed to be a geek? Don't be, the geek will inherit the world.
i think i'm starting to get depressed again, the signs are there: general malaise, spells of tension headache, the whole world seems set against you, nothing is pleasurable anymore... but it shouldn't be too bad this time. a real bout of depression for me involves sulking in bed the whole day and not being able to sleep for more than at least 36 hours. another sign of the onset of affective disorder personally is the over-liberal use of humour, mostly self-depreciating, as a facade for the world to see.
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A PSYCHO
Question One- When you go to the mall, is your main objective to:
a) Get through the mall, buying only things you like/need/want, at
those handy bargain prices
b) Get through the mall without breathing
c) Get through the mall, spitting on every security guard you see
d) Nothing, you've already been arrested
Question Two- When you are invited to a pool party, you go:
a) In your brand new, top-of-the-line, designer bathing suit and
socialize the whole time you are at the party
b) Same thing, minus the bathing suit
c) Drown everyone
d) First b, then c
Question Three- When in class/at work, do you:
a) Work hard and use your time efficiently
b) Pick your nose
c) Pick your neighbour's nose
d) MACE your neighbour
Question Four- If a bear attacked your camp when you and your family are
camping, would you:
a) Hide, quietly curled up into a ball until the bear goes away
b) Fight the bear for the last Twinkie
c) Allow the bear to eat your parents while you escape
d) Join the bear and eat your parents also
Question Five- When your family takes you out to a fancy restaurant, you:
a) Smile politely at the waitress, remembering to say "Please" and
"Thank you" when you order.
b) introduce the people at the next table to your years supply of
chewed gum, which you have named Dan
c) Give the waitress a nose ring with your butter knife
d) All of the above
Question Six- When you are driving down a street in your town, you:
a) Remember everything you learned from your driver's ed class
b) Pretend to run over everyone who crosses the street in front of you,
whether they have the right of way or not
c) Score yourself 5 points for cats, 10 for dogs
d) Same, with a bonus 50 points for traffic cops
Question Seven- You regard your sibling as:
a) Someone who loves and respects you
b) Someone to do your homework
c) Someone who is also an extra 50 bonus points
d) An easy target
Mostly D
I think you're perfectly normal! This is what I got, too!
Mostly C
As if you got mostly c's, you liar. Seek help.
Mostly B
How can you sleep at night? People like you make me sick.
Mostly A
You're so twisted, I don't even know what to tell you. There's not even
any help for your kind. If I were you, I'd lock myself in the basement and
never come out.
This could prove very useful to all my female readers out there.
did nothing but surf the net yesterday, trawling the web for nonsensical, outrageous and plain wacko nuggets, until i came to the
michael jackson website. i was so spooked i couldn't get to sleep. in all honestly i've nothing against the Gloved One, in fact i've found myself defending him on more than one occasion. But if you're reading this Michael, please don't contact me for whatever reason, my parents fear for my mental health. besides, some of my friends have a personal vendetta against you and i don't wish to deprive myself from their company.
i've sensed for quite some time now that organised religion is beginning to wax agaIn, more pertinently christianity. Although im atheistic myself, religions in general do not offend my sensibilities. However we mustn't forget the dark side of organised religion and that's what concerns me. religious groups have always asserted themselves but the trend is for them to become increasingly militant or develop a siege mentality. in addition the world has to cope with a Bible-toting botanical specimen in the White House and a self-proclaimed christian soldier (crusader?) in Downing Street together battling against the other notorious Moustached One who believes in the God, the only God and whose name begins with A not J. It will take forever to go through the socio-political implications so let's just skip it and allow me to say i'm disturbed by this.
Made the mistake of switching on the telly just now. i was struck by a wave of nausea thanks to a vomit-inducing programme which the broadcasting station had deemed unfit for prime-time comsumption and thus relegated to an obscure afternoon spot. not that prime-time tv is any good anyway, but at least it is moderately entertaining or inane to the point of being actually amusing. i wish i got to watch
this progamme and see what the fuss was about. check out the name of Channel 4's head in the article, he is responsible for some of the most intellectually engaging shows i've ever had the privilege of watching.
No, noboby has yet to send me a dirty joke. c'mon have more confidence in that disgusting little joke of yours, it might just be a gem.
For no reason (i do a lot of things without reason), i reread the Autobiography of Malcolm X, not the entire book mind you, but what i perceive to be the critical chapter 'Saved". His official site can be accessed
here.
Anyway, i was going through the files in my personal computer folder and came across a Microsoft Word document which i'd nearly forgotten about. Four years ago i had a desire to collect all the dirty jokes i could find (well, those that are at least moderately funny). My project ended after i have had 98 pages worth of tasteless material. Now i've decided to revive the whole endeavour. If you think you've some hilarious yet could be rare filthy jokes, give me an email and i'll see if it can be included. i could someday publish the whole thing and acknowledge your contribution in the book.
Alright, one paper finished, two more assignments, a presentation and a test left to go this week. after that, things should become much easier for the rest of the semester. This morning i received a letter from the university saying that i'm on the Dean's List, i don't know why i can't get excited about the whole thing, probably because i expected to do better last semester than i actually did. My mood isn't too good these few days owing to the workload. in fact the moment i walked into German class, someone asked if i had a lot on my hands these few days. Remembered when i was 16, my English teacher commented in class that i was the only boy she knew who suffers from mood swings. well it earned its fair share of giggles and guffaws. Anyway, it doesn't take much to piss me off, and when i get pissed off, people get pissed on whether they're innocent bystanders or not.
Have lots of work to complete this week so i might blog less heavily, not that blogging less will improve the quality of my papers. Tried to look for a Dilbert book in the library to brighten up my day, did a search on the online catalogue and got this: Corporate Lampoonery as a Hermeneutic Sign of Our Times: Reading Dilbert from Critical and Poststructuralist Perspectives. What the..., isn't anything simple and clean fun anymore? what will academics dissect next, Garfield? should be getting soon the new Dilbert book in stores already, the Way of the Weasel or something like that. Scott Adams, you're a genius!
for the past three days, people around me have been falling down in a literal sense. first it was my German tutor, then two of my friends and today i slipped and fell when i was chasing the bus. this is no mere coincidence; i suspect the Lord of the Slippery Floor has arisen from his deep slumber after i'd battled him to a standstill and knocked him down a long, long time ago. The dark forces of inconvenience and screwups are all around us, watching our every moves, waiting for us to make mistakes and then BOOM!!! it has long been my sacred duty to fight these shadowy spirits and purge them back to the dark chasm for which they spawned, but i do not always win. Luckily i do not have to battle alone because of my powerful allies around the world. Let me introduce to one of them who lives in London, take a look at him
here
Had a throbbing headache yesterday that incapacitated me for the entire afternoon, which i regularly experience. why must i be tortured like this, i've been behaving myself for the past few days.
Heard from an obscure source that there might soon be a war in the Middle East. oh dear, how did it come to this? can anyone tell me what's going on? If anyone is able to summarise the whole affair in 50 words or under, email me and you might just win for yourself a nice prize.
Have had recurring dreams about myself in an underground kingdom of dwarves where im the only human. even more bizarre, i converse with the dwarven king in elementary German on existential issues. Impossible? something of this nature went: i am alone but im big, you have many people but you are small... took it as a sign for me to get my Lord of the Rings video and to do my German homework.
Top Ten Questions With Answers of Monumental Value (in no particular order)
1. Do you want fries with that?
2. Have you filed your tax return forms?
3. Does my bum look big in this?
4. Mommy, what's a vibrator?
5. Do you take Mr/Ms (...) for your lawfully wedded husband/wife....? (greatest mistake some people have ever made)
6. Do you have weapons of mass destruction?
7. If so, are you willing to disarm in exchange for aid?
8. Have you ever had plastic surgery?
9. If i told you this, promise not to tell anyone?
10. Did you have sexual relations with that woman?
My, the dilemmas we wrestle with everyday...
Hurray, fanmail!
I wish to comment about your obviously narcissistic inclinations. Who do you think you are and what right do you have to think that you're so intelligent, great etc? I believe you're just some undergrad from some unknown college with no life and someone no self-respecting girl has ever gone out with. In fact, I think you're a spineless effeminate wuss with a penis the size of a peanut who has to resort to using a nickname with 'TheMan' to boost your self-esteem. Moreover, Kyn doesn't even rhyme with man! Do everyone a favour and go back to the the shithole from which you came. F. Hartman
Hello, Hartman! or do you prefer to called F? and thanks for your kind words.
i assure you that i'm not narcissistic, merely someone with a healthy self-esteem. i believe you've read my previous posting and there i said that my intelligence is at the 99th percentile, which means i do have some justification for my belief that my intelligence is above-average. Whether high intelligence is of any significance to general success in life is quite another matter so i don't use my intelligence score as a stick to whack other more average people. anyway intelligence tests aren't that accurate in the first place so we should take the results with a pinch of salt.
Actually your third sentence is refreshingly accurate. i couldn't have described myself any better. The following sentence is slightly less so. the last time i looked, the size of my penis seemed pretty average to me, which i must add is much larger than any peanut i've ever seen (discounting those freaks from the Guinness Book of Records). My nickname was first used by a good friend of mine and so i've adopted it for the purposes of this blog. By the way Kyn actually rhymes with man; my name isn't English so forget about inferred pronunciations from spelling. Lastly i originally came from a womb and was delivered to this world through a vagina like most people; neither of the two body parts are anatomically associated with shit. i would have conceded it to you had you said urinehole. hope to hear from you again.
My lecturer's reply was disappointing to say the least, all it had was something to the effect of 'refer to well-done pieces of work which i'll be posting soon'. Which is puzzling since my paper was extremely well-articulated and hence there is obviously no need for me to refer to less impressive papers.
Anyway, i was browsing through a book on gifted education, which to the uninitiated doesn't mean schooling where the institution plays Santa Claus but rather education for gifted individuals. what was striking was that i've never been through almost all the programmes which were recommended by the author. this could mean two things: either my former schools didn't offer such programmes or that such programmes were in existence but i somehow missed out. since i did remember that a small group of students did participate in programmes which were different from the standard curriculum or augmented it, The only reasonable conclusion was that
somehow i wasn't identified as gifted and selected into the special programme. this presents us with again two alternatives: either i slipped through the obviously very large holes of the trawling net or i'm simply not up to the mark and hence undeserving of gifted education. well, the last intelligence assessment i took about 4 years back (i've had about 3 comprehensive psychometric tests in my life, God knows why) put me at the 99th percentile of the general population.since i don't know the decimal figures (it didn't state), a conservative estimate would put me at least more than 2 standard deviations above the mean. i can only speculate about the reasons for my omission; anyway the book did say that many extremely bright students and especially the intelligent-to-the-point-of-weird people aren't identified.
Sigh, i can wonder about what could have been had i been singled out as being highly gifted at an early age and gone through the various programmes tailored for my needs. maybe i might have become the youngest full professor the world has ever seen, maybe i'd be setting up tech companies in high school, or maybe this blog would have some intellectual value. Not that it doesn't now as i do sometimes displays aspects of my esoteric and eclectic intellect, but maybe a liitle more. Of course all of the above suggests that gifted education is of not little value when reality could be very much otherwise.
Got back two papers today, one a straightforward closed-book test, the other a research paper. did pretty well for the former but was slightly unhappy with myself for making a few blatantly obvious mistakes. But that's what to expect from consistently good academic performers like myself, if you disregard only about 8 years of my academic career. The latter was so well-done the lecturer wasted no time in commending it with succinct remarks such as, 'readings too narrow', 'line of investigation well off the mark', 'is that what you were trying to say?', 'no references to
', among numerous others. it must have been genuinely awesome to warrant so much praise for only a 4 page (single spacing) paper. Hence, i wrote an email to her not to overdo the praise or i might get big-headed. well, watch this space for her reply.
Read in the papers about a 19-yr old boy who recently clinched a $350 million deal. all i can say is that he has a long way to go before he can even dream about emulating my achievements. i foresee another weekend wasted on staring at ceilings, walking about in circles, wallowing in self-pity and other productive activities. oh yes i nearly omitted reading other ppl's blogs. There is so much wisdom in these blogs somebody ought to collate the very best lines to publish. A suitable title would be '1001 Ways To Whine About Your Life'. Nah i was just joking, there is true greatness of thought floating around in cyberspace, encapsulated in blogs and i would like to believe that one of those enlightened bloggers might be yours truly. Hey, i've got great potential despite my tender age, just look at the remarks on my term paper.
Had an interesting bus ride home. usually the demon inside my head would start wreaking havoc whenever i hear inane chatter but rarely do i encounter such apparently vacuous idletalk and spare the conversationalists my Curse of The Everlasting PMS/ Erectile Dysfunction. the two females sitting directly behind me, undergrads no less, were discussing about celebrities as if they had known them all their lives. that, i usually dismiss as the sign of feeble minds but there was more. They started to speculate about how much they would sell their bodies for, hypothetically of course. being the pillar of morality that i am, i was indeed shocked by their wanton disregard for the sanctity of the human body. moreover the minimum requirements aren't that high, 'a flat would do, provided the guy's not too ugly'. Just what i need, another incident that adds to my confidence in the females of my society. Must start saving up though.
consider myself a simpsons fan, not o.j of course, but homer and his zany family. a couple of my lecturers have described them as 'dysfunctional' (what the simpsons have to do with history and philosophy is anyone's guess but credit must go to my lecturers for attempting to incorporate pop culture into academia)
but why are they dysfunctional? they are a classic nuclear family: dad works (not exactly work in homer's instance) and brings home the dough. mom is an accomplished homemaker and three bubbly kids. perhaps they are abnormal because they're still a complete family where everybody loves everybody, with the disintegration of the institution of the family and all that.
more on the simpsons some other time. some time ago i was playing chess with my friend. some background first and foremost: my friend is quite new to chess but is avidly learning the finer points of the game while i'm a little more familiar with it. despite being constantly and comprehensively beaten by yours truly, he was still coming back for more and experimenting with various strategies. once he decided to advance his pawns in an orderly fashion first before developing his stronger pieces in support. on the other hand i was bemused and perhaps dismissive of his unorthodox tactics and went on with my standard openings. but soon i found myself hemmed in by his elaborate defence and lost a couple of knights unnecessarily. the game ended in a stalemate after a fierce series of mutual slaughter in the battle for Middleboard. Quite a valuable lesson learnt.
how do bloggers motivate themselves to write?
...by believing they have a legion of devout followers, ever eagerly anticipating the next posting.
Yes, i do read your incessant e-mails, my rabid followers. Patience, patience is the key to eternal happiness, soon i'll deliver on my promise to deliver you to nirvana and the place where gods frolic. but first you have to procure cyanide and AK-47s/M16s if possible, enemies stalk our every move.
just realised that ignorance has been a recurring theme in my life these past few days. By ignorance i don't mean a professed lack of knowledge but knowing less than you think you know; as they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Still it's disconcerting to realise how many people around actually use what little knowledge they have as a basis of judgment of others; well you can generalise to whatever situation you've come across in your lives.
somebody pointed out i've a tendency to use a lowercase I to signify I even in my everyday writing, just like in this blog. maybe i've been influenced by my learning of German, where the ich is only capitalized at the start of the sentence. or perhaps i'm not very egocentric...i don't think so, if bloggers ain't egocentric enough to be writing their 'diaries' in cyberspace i don't know who are.
anyway for no reason i've been listening to The Verve's A Northern Soul again.
Sends a chill down my spine.
hey! God knows what lured you into this cyberspatial realm but you've chosen wisely, my friend. This is a continuation of another blog i had and had experienced some technical difficulties with. Never mind, let this be a new beginning; new frontiers will be explored, new ground broken and new unknown dimensions brought to the knowledge of Man. The next few posts are lifted from my previous blog.
