everyone knows that's
the truth
Spent the whole of yesterday immersing myself in the wonderfully interactive and intricate world of CM4. i know, a terribly unproductive way to burn time, but it's awfully enjoyable.
Behaviour i almost always witness during exams
students armed with a whole stack of notes i've absolutely no idea where they came from, wailing that they a) read everything several times but nothing seems to stick in their heads, b) didn't finish studying (they understood everything well enough but reading the material only twice hardly constitutes substantial revision). after the paper the same students a) discuss among themselves the finer points of their answers, usually consisting of material i've never come across before, b) lament that they didn't have enough time to finish writing their essays, even though they requested for extra paper during the exam.
What you've always wanted to know but were afraid to ask
My vagina sometimes makes noises during sex and it sounds like I'm breaking wind. Help!
Some positions (especially him from behind), force air into the vagina which expels (in a most unelegant fashion) after he withdraws. It's a totally normal bodily function but most couples can't help but have a giggle over it. Which is what you should do. Tongues licking, mouths kissing, bodies slapping together – let's face it, sex is noisy! The only way to stop your body making noises is to stick exclusively to the missionary position – and not get too carried away. Fun, eh?
How much pubic hair is normal? I think I've got too much.
There's that awful 'normal' word again. What's 'normal' is virtually impossible to define because we're all individual. Why is your hair curly and your best friend's straight? Why do some people have big noses and other's cute, little turned up ones? It's called genes. If you feel mum and dad have been a little too generous in the pubic hair department, trim, wax, shave or have it removed by electrolysis. Bear in mind though, some men love it!
Which is more satisfying – a long, thin penis or a short fat one?
It all depends on how you're made. Vaginas, like most things, come in lots of shapes and sizes. If you've got a sensitive cervix or ovaries that are in a low position, a long penis which hits high in the upper vagina might be painful. If you've got a wide vagina, a wider penis might feel better than a thin one. But whatever your lover's got, it's unlikely you'll ditch him because of it. People don't fall in love with body bits; it's the person they're attached to. Make sure your vagina's toned by doing regular Kegel exercises), experiment with intercourse positions, refuse to make an erect penis the focus on your love-making and pretty well all penis sizes and shapes can be satisfying.
Must I swallow?
Most men are so happy to have their penis in your mouth, not swallowing at the crucial moment is a small part of the whole process. A few guys will tell you it's like watching the football without a beer and crisps, but the majority say they really don't mind – so long as you don't abandon him completely just as he's about to climax. If you don't want to swallow, why not hold the semen in your mouth for a minute until you can spit it out in a tissue or the sink? If that doesn't appeal, remove your mouth and use your hand instead or let him thrust between your breasts. (By the way, semen isn't fattening and because it contains proteins, is actually quite good for you.)
If a guy likes anal stimulation, does this mean he's secretly gay?
No. Our bottoms are 'forbidden' zones, so the naughty element alone makes it automatically exciting. Add to this that the anus and rectum in both sexes are packed with nerve endings and you can see why, for some people, it's their most highly charged erogenous zone. Yet another reason why he might enjoy being stimulated? The male G-spot (the prostate gland) is also in this hot spot. (If you want to find it, feel the front wall of the rectum until you find a firm, walnut-size mass. Stroke or press it with a downward movement). Bottoms up!
Why can't I orgasm through intercourse alone?
It's a design fault I'm afraid. The clitoris is the only organ in the body designed exclusively for sexual pleasure and some bright spark decided to stick it right up there in penile no-man's land. Since most women orgasm through clitoral stimulation, this is why most don't orgasm during intercourse alone. The good news is, so long as your guy's not hung up on the “penis as the ultimate satisfier” myth, it's easily fixed. Get him to use his fingers to gently stimulate your clitoris during thrusting (or do it yourself). Choose a position which allows easy access – it takes more than a few seconds of stroking so it helps if his hand's not cramped or twisted.
Can too much sex make my vagina loose?
No – it's quite the opposite. Childbirth and age may cause your pelvic floor muscles to become slack but regular sex helps tone them and keep your vagina tighter. If you're not having regular sex (and even if you are), keep yourself toned and fit by doing a vaginal workout based on Kegel exercises. Invented by Dr Arnold Kegel back in the 1950s, Kegels involve contracting and relaxing your PC (pubococcygeus) muscle. Sounds complicated? It's not. The PC muscle is the same muscle you use to stop peeing when there's no loo in sight. To do Kegels, simply squeeze and hold that muscle, then let it go again, working up to around 50 repetitions per day.
How do I use a vibrator?
Contrary to what the porn industry believes (and he fantasises about), most women don't use vibrators inside their vaginas but use them outside to stimulate the clitoris. Which is why the most effective ones are sold in department stores as body massagers. They work well because they have a flat surface which stimulates the clitoral area effectively – and they're a lot less embarrassing to buy if you're a little coy. Positions and techniques are limited only by your imagination. The standard technique is to press the vibrator firmly against the closed labia (lips of the vagina) and hold it there, varying the pressure, until you orgasm. Another technique is to stand with your legs apart, hold the vibrator still in front of your genitals, and move backward and forward, grinding against it. Vibrators are a terrific, quick and convenient way to orgasm: exactly the reasons why many sex therapists recommend you don't use one every single time you masturbate. Not only will you get lazy, you'll get annoyed with your partner. (It's a rare man who can deliver the goods in the two minutes a vibrator takes!)
My lover wants me to masturbate in front of him. Am I being a prude by saying no?
Ten to 15 years ago, women didn't even admit to masturbating, let alone put on live floor shows. Men, on the other hand, have always masturbated – a lot – and this is why he thinks it's no big deal to ask. You're not being prudish to feel a little embarrassed and don't let him pressure you, but I'd consider trying it for two good reasons. First up, we should always push ourselves a little sexually. (Stay in the comfort zone all the time and you won't grow.) The second reason is he'll have a front row seat to watch how you give yourself pleasure. All he has to do after that, is copy you! Rather than make a big deal out of it, the next time he's touching you, simply push his hand out of the way and take over stimulating yourself. Keep your eyes shut if you feel embarrassed, pretend you're on your own and let him watch the technique, pressure and speed you use. Believe me, the few seconds of cringing will be worth it if he pays attention.
I'm more turned on during my period than at any other time of the month. Should I warn a new lover or just continue having sex?
There's nothing wrong with it but - hullo! I'd definitely warn the guy! Looking down to see blood isn't pleasant even when you are expecting it; when you're not it's run-out-of-the-room stuff. If you have your period and want to have intercourse, have an old towel handy (and hopefully a bath or shower nearby) and say something like "I've got my period but I don't want to wait. It doesn't worry me if it doesn't worry you". Don't get too huffy if he turns pale at the idea. Blood makes lots of us squeamish and remember, he's had a lifetime of women saying "I can't – I've got my period", so may need time to get used to it. For some women, the thought of having sex during their period is unthinkable; others can't see what all the fuss is about. It depends on your mood and the heaviness of your flow.
fourth paper: alright, but i chose a wrong essay question.
'Have you been to any SARS-hit regions recently or been in contact with any SARS patients?'
'Yes, i have; in fact it is part of my masterplan to infect everybody here.'
'Your temperature is 36.5. Give me your left arm.'
'Wouldn't it be easier for me to give you my right arm since you're standing on my right?'
'Left arm'
i was branded and sent on my way to the gas chamber.
Noticed a female student in the exam hall who was dressed as if she was attending some important function; a body-hugging, low-cut ocean blue dress, high-heels, large crystal earrings and a white shawl. her makeup was rather well-done (difficult art to master, e.g there is a thin line between vamp and drag queen, refreshingly light and eerily ghastly). i thought she was planted there to boost our morale.
arguments proving the existence of God (very, very long list)
Evidence that Man's Stupidity will cause World Destruction
after making my order, i quickly went off to buy a drink while the food was being prepared (i'd been the only person at the stall). when i came back there was a young lady evidently also waiting for her order. when my plate of fried noodles came, she grabbed the necessary utensils and was about to take off with my food when i stopped her.
(very politely, by my standards) 'Excuse me, but i think that's my order.'
'Oh, sorry'
'That's alright, did you order that too?'
(sheepishly) 'No.'
i'm emailing this to Scott Adams and maybe it might just appear on the next
Dilbert newsletter or book.
of all the lyrics that are posted on blogs, i suppose i've seen
Last Goodbye most frequently, usually by people nursing broken hearts (i mean
Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley, not Atomic Kitten; or as i'd prefer to call them Radioactive Pussy). well, since i'm not broken-hearted (but actually just broken), i'll post something of greater relevance to me. while Jeff Buckley's song has to be heard to be experienced, this Pulp classic's lyrics carry enough of the song's essence; still only Jarvis Cocker could have made the song work.
This Is Hardcore
You are hardcore, you make me hard.
You name the drama and I'll play the part.
It seems I saw you in some teenage wet dream.
I like your get up if you know what I mean.
I want it bad. I want it now.
Oh can't you see I'm ready now.
I've seen all the pictures,
I've studied them forever.
I wanna make a movie so let's star in it
together.
Don't make a move 'til I say, "Action."
Oh, here comes the Hardcore life.
Put your money where your mouth is tonight.
Leave your make-up on & I'll leave on the light.
Come over here babe & talk in the mic. Oh yeah I hear you now.
It's gonna be one hell of a night.
You can't be a spectator. Oh no.
You got to take these dreams & make them whole.
Oh this is Hardcore -
there is no way back for you.
Oh this is Hardcore -
this is me on top of you &
I can't believe that it took me this long. That it took me this long.
This is the eye of the storm.
It's what men in stained raincoats pay for but in here it is pure.
Yeah. This is the end of the line.
I've seen the storyline played out so many times before.
Oh that goes in there.
Then that goes in there.
Then that goes in there.
Then that goes in there. & then it's over. Oh, what a hell of a show
but what I want to know:
what exactly do you do for an encore? 'Cos this is Hardcore.
Kim 'sombody pls kick me in the ass' Jong Il's blog
Got my copy of CM4, once the exams are over we'll be going on a little honeymoon. It's the only game i can claim to be highly competent in, to the extent where fellow gamers ask me for advice, because i've been playing for seven years now...rather intensively. i've woken up in the middle of night to put in place some innovative tactic that must have been incubating in my head while i was sleeping.
i was in a public toilet and heard the strangest thing emanating from a particular cubicle. for the short period that i was in the restroom perfroming my necessary biological tasks, i heard no less than six or seven classic 'solid lump of shit splashing water' sounds from the same cubicle and it can safely assumed there were in fact more splashes than those i had the pleasure of hearing. i didn't get to see who was occupying the cubicle. Three theories: first somebody had a little too much to eat/ too little fibre, second the source of the sounds are purely mechanical in nature (could be some 'Candid Camera' type gag or malfunction), lastly somebody is egesting packets of illegal drugs. if i had to choose i'd say the third theory is the most credible. (the person is thinking: can't a law-abiding citizen take a heavy dump without having other people think he/she is shitting out drugs?)
i really believe the Matrix and Lord of the Rings trilogies can be the Star Wars of our generation, in terms of cultural impact.
can't sleep...something keeps haunting me, though i rather not disclose what precisely..i possess good memory, unfortunately not for things that are of any practical use. remembering isn't the difficult part, forgetting is.
Maybe i'll go crazy someday in some form of spectacular demise, more probable would be depression doing me in before i turn thirty... i was just wondering whether the person i was four years ago would recognize the self i am now; probably not initially but soon some semblance of recognition would creep in as my past self becomes anguished and crestfallen at the creature he sees before him, just as the heart of my present self would wrench in pity and/or frustration at the sight of my self in say ten years' time possibly. we'll see.
too much to say but words fail me, i'm better off conversing with myself.
third paper: quite ok, had quite a bit of spare time at the end, unfortunately spent it trying to prevent urine from filling my testes. anyway my temperature was 36.0 again and it was 36.1 the day before; maybe my hypothalamus is really screwed up.
halftime: three down, three to go (i take extra modules out of kicks)
second paper: worse, simply awful, but i've said earlier that i was giving up on the first two exams so the real deal starts tomorrow.
(refer to Mar 18 entry) cut myself shaving today, so i was left walking around campus with two highly noticable red lines on my visage. hope this doesn't become some sort of trilogy.
let your fingers do it (should require Quicktime)
there are 'all students report here for health screening' signs all over campus, where undergrads queue up to have their temperatures taken before being ushered into the respective exam venues. for a moment i thought the signs read 'all jews, gypsies, homosexuals and disabled people report here for screening'. by the way my temperature was 36.0 deg Celsius, which is in line with my tendency to post consistently low body temperature readings. i have no idea how my friend can get a reading of 37.8 deg and still feel perfectly alright; i would have felt feverish at 37.0 deg.
Seems like Bush and Blair are gonna officially declare victory soon. one down, two more (Syria and N.Korea) to go before elections come around.
More one-liners:
The press is reporting that a lot of Syrians came across the border to fight Americans in Iraq. Which is kind of stupid. If they wanted to fight Americans, they could have stayed home and waited a week. Save yourself a trip.
The latest reports from Iraq say the Iraqi minister of information is dead. You know that guy: "There are no Americans in Baghdad.” Apparently he choked on his own words.
Happy Easter weekend, everybody, or Passover, whatever it might be. Actually kind of an embarrassing moment at this year’s traditional Easter egg hunt on the White House lawn. Of all the people invited, Hans Blix was the only one who couldn’t find a single egg.
You probably don’t know this, but Syria is an ancient Arabic word for "next!"
You know what I noticed? How come we never go to war with countries you want to visit? It’s always Afghanistan, Iraq, Bosnia. We never liberate Aruba or Tahiti.
Over the weekend in Baghdad they knocked over a statue of Sean Penn.
CNN reports that when they broke into Uday Hussein’s palace they found pornography, Cuban cigars and pictures of President Bush’s twin daughters. I’m sorry – that was Bill Clinton’s apartment.
Today President Bush said that Slovakia has already offered its help in demining Iraq. Listen to this: Exxon and Mobil have offered their help in de-oiling Iraq.
I had a pretty good day today. I bought four chairs and a table on eBay from some guy in Baghdad – 12 bucks. Beautiful dinette set, fabulous!
They say the trouble now in Iraq is going to be teaching the people voting and democracy, because there’s still a little confusion about … wait, sorry, that’s Florida.
Today the Iraqis sat down for talks on how to put together a postwar government. They would have sat down yesterday, but somebody stole all the couches. They had to stand around and mingle.
I tell you something, a lot of people are afraid we are going to go to war with Syria. But you have to understand, Syria is not Iraq. It is less dangerous, it’s less of an enemy, it has less of an army, and it has less (whispering) oil.
Well, it looks like the war is over. That’s a good sign. According to the latest poll just out today, 71 percent of the American people approve of President Bush. Bush is very, very happy. Of course he’s happy. It only took 49 percent of the vote to win the election. This gives him a tremendous cushion.
"The Pentagon said this week that the war in Iraq has cost $20 billion so far. The breakdown is operations: $10 billion; personnel: $6 billion; getting Bush re-elected: priceless."
"For the first time the people of Iraq are united. Today on CNN I saw a Kurd, a Shiite and a member of the Republican Guard coming together to cart off a big screen TV."
"The U.S. military has begun handing out decks of cards with pictures of the most wanted men in Saddam Hussein's regime. There are 55 cards and they're handing them out so people can identify them. Apparently, three Tariq Aziz cards will get you a Pokemon."
"The military said we'll be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have a sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA?"
first paper, conclusion: bad
the idiot's guide to
being psychic (warning: lots of stuff to read; hey, even idiots can read right?)
Why some columnists in our respectable dailies choose to flaunt their learning is beyond me. when i say 'flaunt' i don't mean including nuggets of information that would improve the reader's grasp of the situation. A couple of senior writers evidently believe that their dedicated readership should admire their excellent literary knowledge by quoting from the greats whenever possible, whether appropriate or not. favourites include T.S Eliot, Joyce and Woolf. Moreover they almost always incorporate historical examples in their commentaries that instead of displaying their breadth and depth of historical awareness, provide for the informed reader a dazzling display of their lack of actual understanding. one or twice is forgivable, even reasonable, but to do so for every single article is nauseating.
Top Mistakes made by Hitler
Land War in Asia
Changed name from highly catchy 'Schickelgruber' to boring 'Hitler'
Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects
Not buying lifts for his shoes
Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
Failure to exploit Eva Braun
Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image
Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan
Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
Free beer in munitions plants
Lisp never corrected
Bad toupe
Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
Fell asleep in staff meetings
Chose Italy as ally
Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably like a bullseye from the air
Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
Never had fireside mass rallies
Told Einstein he had a stupid name
Used SS instead of LAPD
Admired Napoleon's strategy
Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him constantly
In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii
Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war advice
Major theme in speeches -- "liebensraum, or "living room" -- widely misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess's pilot licence.
Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR
Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch
Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own escape.
Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland
Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion of Soviet Union
Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power
Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords
Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited for the punchline)
Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar for "best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech undermined image.
Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in a can"
Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzsche; caused much embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the "Oberdude"
Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a wimp?"
Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
Didn't you know that Jesus is
with us always?
i couldn't come up with a more appropriate name for a
Christian organization myself; how refreshingly honest.
Starting to hit the books though as usual i can't make myself sit still for long.
Met my friend from the army who used to sleep beside me, as in his bed was adjacent to mine rather than us sharing the same bed, who is now a regular. the reason i've mentioned him, out of all the people that i actually meet, is that he's one of the most remarkable person i've ever had the privilege of knowing. remarkable, i must qualify, not in an entirely positive way. i had enquired about LL and he wistfully informed me that he did not succeed and he no longer keeps in contact with her. One of his 'remarkable' traits was that he had never failed to sleep with any female he had his eye on and boy he slept with girls by the truckload (ok, an exaggeration but i know of at least nine). LL was the one that slipped his grasp and from what i heard, she was a very shrewd girl who could flirt and tease without getting her legs in the air or wide open. The unfortunate thing is that my friend, and a couple of Casanova acquaintances, did teach me some tricks on snaring females but i have never gotten anywhere with anyone.
50 Fun Things for Non-Christians to Do in Church
Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
Put stray dogs in coat closets.
Un-tune the piano.
Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
Start a wave.
Do cool things with the lighting.
When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
Make up your own words to the songs.
Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
Dress all in black, or in camo.
Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
Inflate balloons, then send them off.
Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
Blow bubbles.
Fake a possession.
Distribute condoms.
Speak in tongues.
Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
Drool in the collection plate.
Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.
This may have taken 606 takes, but it is worth every single one of 'em.
if
this doesn't top the country charts, i don't know what should.
great, the university now tells us that we must arrive an hour early for the exams for medical screening and then we'll sit in the hall for the remainder of the time waiting for the actual exam to commence, staring in empty space and/or scratching balls. all the material in my short-term memory would have drained out by the time i start the paper, not that there is that much info in my head in the first place. i think i'd better start some serious revision soon.
How to be a Perfect Wife
GET YOUR WORK DONE
Plan your tasks with an eye on the clock. Finish or interrupt them an hour before he is expected. Your anguished cry, "Are you home already?" is not exactly a warm welcome.
HAVE DINNER READY
Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
PREPARE YOURSELF
Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. This will also make you happy to see him instead of too tired to care. Turn off the worry and be glad to be alive and grateful for the man who is going to walk in. While you are resting you can be thinking about your Fascinating Womanhood assignment and all you can do to make him happy and give his spirits a lift. When you arise, take care of your appearance. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER
Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. in a bucket or wastebasket and put them in the back bedroom for sorting later. Then run a dustcloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. Having the house in order is another way of letting him know that you care and have planned for this homecoming.
PREPARE THE CHILDREN
Take just a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them look the part.
MINIMIZE ALL NOISE
Especially give heed to this if your husband has to join rush hour traffic. At the time of his arrival eliminate noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet at the time of their father's arrival. Let them be a little noisy beforehand to get it out of their system.
BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM
Greet him with a warm smile and act glad to see him. Tell him that it is good to have him home. This may make his day worthwhile. If there is any romance left in you, he needs it now.
SOME DON'TS
Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Solve the problems you can before he gets home and save those you must discuss with him until later in the evening.
Also, don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as a minor problem when compared with what he might have gone through that day.
Don't allow the children to rush at him with problems or requests. Allow them to briefly greet their father but save demands for later.
MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE
Have him lean back into a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to massage his neck and shoulders and take off his shoes. Don't insist on this however. Turn on music if it is one of his pleasures. Speak in a soft, soothing, pleasant voice. Allow him to relax - to unwind.
LISTEN TO HIM
You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, then he will be a more responsive listener later.
MAKE THE EVENING HIS
Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and to relax. If he is cross or irritable, never fight back. Again, try to understand his world of strain.
THE GOAL
Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Then add to this the application of all the principles of Fascinating Womanhood and your husband will want to come home. He will rather be with you than with anyone else in the world and will spend whatever time he can possibly spare with you. Try living all of these rules for his homecoming and see what happens. This is the way to bring a man home to your side, not by pressure, persuasion or moral obligation.
Revised Version of How to be a Perfect Wife
HAVE DINNER READY
Prepare only the most delicious foods to tease your husband's palate. If he is watching his weight or health, tell him the cream sauces are fat free — made with tofu and groats. Never skimp on ingredients; his culinary satisfaction is paramount, and we all know that proper French cooking requires lots of eggs, cream and butter. Don't bother him with the details of your recipes. Be sure to call him daily and ask him what he had for lunch, so you don't repeat the same ingredients in his dinner. *
PREPARE THE CHILDREN
Feed the children in advance of his arrival if possible. If this is not possible, feed them in the garage or storage shed.
BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM
Forget about being a little gay. Be really, really gay! Meet him at the door with a joint, a bottle of frozen vodka, or both. If you are struggling with that housewifely burden of a few extra curves, arrange to have a teenaged babysitter meet him at the door wearing a refreshing outfit. His boring day may need a lift.
CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER
If the house is too messy and the kids are too noisy, call Social Services and have them placed in foster care for a few weeks. Instead of a pass with a dustcloth, consider lying across the dusty dining room table wearing only olives.
SOME DON'TS
Don't greet him with problems or complaints!! If he is late for dinner, consider it an asset! You are lucky to have so much free time to yourself, and ample opportunity to get the gardener out the back door before hubby's arrival. And remember girls, most problems will go away if you just throw enough money at them!
CALL YOUR MOTHER OFTEN
She wasn't married to your dad for all those years for nothing. Share in the gift of her good advice. You two may end up being "best girlfriends"!
MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE
Have a Swedish exchange student handy for massages at the end of his grueling day. Have a separate, soundproofed room for his relaxation time after work. Don't talk to him or even let him see you unless he is well rested. Speak when spoken to.
MAKE THE EVENING HIS
Show him you appreciate how hard he works by cutting his food for him. At dinner, and after, discuss only of pleasant topics, in dulcet tones. Speak in French, if possible, or use a French accent. At the end of the meal, there is nothing more appealing than licking his plate for him. Try licking his face clean, too.
NEVER LET HIM SEE YOU UNDRESSED
Think what a sad shock it would be after all those years of studying Playboy magazines in college to have to deal with regular, flawed bodies. Compliment him on his physique, of course, but when it comes to bedtime, be sure to have a nighty handy and room darkening shades on the windows.
TAKE LOTS OF VALIUM
The goal: To make your home his castle, every whim his reality, and to continue to do this until the rich food finally does its job and sets you free.
Who wants to be an
Anorexic? (lots of useful resources here)
The Gospel Truth: for all you faggots and wannabe homos out there, you have been
warned
i never thought i would live to see the day- yesterday i encountered a bus driver who greeted every boarding passenger plus a toothy grin, although only i and an elderly man greeted him in return as far as i could observe for my trip. while i was delightfully surprised, the cynical side of my nature was contemplating the possible reasons for this unusual behaviour. wonder for how long he can keep this up.
Bored with your usual post-match conference?
It is a little known fact that Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the newly elusive Iraqi information minister, was manager of Baghdad Bromwich Albion during the infamous 1998-99 season. This was the year that BBA became the only team in the Mesopotamian DAF Leyland Combination league not to win a single game. Whatever you may think of Mr Saeed he certainly knew how to conduct a press conference, ie with a bit of bloody passion.
Season Opener: BBA 0 Najaf Academicals 8
Reporter (Mr Alan Jazeera): Mr Saeed, you must be a bit disappointed with the display today.
MSaS: What do you mean? Why should I be disappointed with such a glorious victory?
AJ: You lost eight nil.
MSaS: Why, traitor, do you insist on repeating the abject lies of the Zionist colonialist retching poodles? We destroyed them, we slaughtered them, we sliced them into little strips and lightly roasted them at gas mark 4, turning occasionally. Now they have been despatched back to their imperialist hovels in the team bus of disgrace.
AJ: And what did you think of the penalty decision?
MSaS: As Allah is my witness, it was utter bobbins.
Iraqi FA Cup, First Round: Young Ladies of Kabala 6 BBA 0
AJ: So, Mohammed, knocked out of the cup by a group of teenage girls in full chador. Surely a little fed up?
MSaS: The crouching infidel were sent packing in infamy. You must know the truth: they looked like lissom young girls in flowing black robes, but in fact they were Maccabi Tel Aviv in disguise. The cowardly band of criminals in the pay of imperialist howling pigs bribed the ref. I mean, that third goal - he was bloody miles offside. As a consequence, their livers will be plucked out by vultures and slowly pan fried before being served to the conquerors on a bed of minty couscous.
AJ: Sorry, let me get this straight - whose livers exactly?
MSaS: I don't know - everyone's.
Fifteenth game of the season, BBA yet to score a league goal, scrape a draw with fellow strugglers Mosul Wanderers.
AJ: Nice to get a point under your belt at last.
MSaS: We absolutely shat on them. We attached large amounts of explosives to their faces and blew their villainous crusader noggins to smithereens.
AJ: Well, with all due respect, Mr Saeed, a goalless draw hardly constitutes....
MSaS: Do not believe anything that the suppurating monkey-arsed denizens of Satan tell you! They attempt to hide their total defeat in fine words and friendly full-time handshakes. The reality is that we beat their backs with long curved sticks with those funny little nodules on the end and watched them scurry back to their ratholes while laughing heartily at their humiliation and eating sweets and a sipping a cup of tea.
AJ: Well if that's the quote you want me to write.
MSaS: It is! It is! By the way, did I mention that they were infidels?
AJ: Hold on a sec, let me check.....no you didn't.
MSaS: Well they're a bunch of infidels. Make sure you put that in.
Late in the season, more bad news for Baghdad. They are accused by the Iraqi FA of concealing extra balls under their shirts and running into their opponent's goal and dropping the balls there when nobody's looking. They still manage to lose 4 nowt to Sporting Nasiriya.
AJ: How do you respond to allegations of cheating?
MSaS: Arses! It's a bunch of arses!
AJ: The Nasiriya team claim they saw your players conceal balls under their shirts.
MSaS: See how the mendacious nancy boys slander the attractive well-rounded bellies of our victorious heroes! The truth, which everyone knows, is that our guts are engorged merely because of our feasting on the gizzards and shins of the criminal aggressors!
AJ: What about the bloke we have on film dropping a ball into Nasiriya's net then running round the six yard box going 'I've just scored! Look, there's the ball in the net!'
MSaS: You actually got that on film?
AJ: Yep.
MSaS: (Pause) No you didn't.
AJ: Yes we did.
MSaS: No you didn't.
AJ: Yes we did.
MSaS (fingers in ears, eyes closed): Didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't. (Removing fingers from ears, opening eyes) Right next question.
Game 26. Relegation is confirmed for Bagh Brom after a 9 - 1 loss to Umm al-Qasr Athletic.
AJ: After taking the early lead, you must be a little peeved at the way you capitulated.
MSaS: Capitulated? Capitulated? We detached the testicles of the enemy, mashed them into pulp, formed them into a cylinder, attached them to a spindle and watched said cylinder rotate in the kebab van of utter perdition.
AJ: Until they scored four in eight minutes.
MSaS: Ahh, this is all propaganda. You must pay attention to the truth. The official scorer is a collaborator. He is widely known to be mercenary, an American and a git. If you will only open your eyes you will know that Baghdad Bromwich Albion will win the league. In fact we've already won the league. In fact, we won the European Cup as well, and we're thinking about whether to go to Japan to play in the Super Cup against Boca Juniors.
AJ: That might be difficult, as I believe the team has resigned en masse and gone to the pub.
MSaS: Have they? That was quick... I mean: beware the imperialist lies emanating from the Zionist entity.
AJ: What? You telling me the landlord's a Zionist entity?
MsaS: Yes, why not? Anyway, they have not gone to the pub, it is actually a brilliant plan: to appear as if they've gone to the pub, but to not actually go there, instead to return at some later unspecified date and rout the fleeing, bloated, cowering, arrogant tossers once and for all.
AJ: Can one actually cower and flee at the same time?
MSaS: Yes one can.
AJ: Really?
MsaS: Yes - just watch me. (Disappears under a mountain of rubble)
Who wants to be a
Virgin again?
Menstruation as an art-form.
The Iraqi Information Minister has become quite popular, unfortunately his fanpage is jammed with traffic. never mind, i have his quotes here to remind us how he came to be so well-known in the first place.
"There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!"
"My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all"
"Our initial assessment is that they will all die"
"I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans!"
"God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis."
'We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back."
"Surrender or be burned in their tanks."
"No I am not scared and neither should you be!"
"We have them surrounded in their tanks"
Britain "is not worth an old shoe."
Of U.S. troops: "They are most welcome. We will butcher them."
"We will welcome them with bullets and shoes."
"Washington has thrown their soldiers on the fire"
"These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying"
"They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are not in any place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion ... they are trying to sell to the others an illusion."
"They do not even have control over themselves! Do not believe them!"
"Faltering forces of infidels cannot just enter a country of 26 million people and lay besiege to them! They are the ones who will find themselves under siege. Therefore, in reality whatever this miserable Rumsfeld has been saying, he was talking about his own forces. Now even the American command is under siege."
"They tried to bring a small number of tanks and personnel carriers in through al-Durah but they were surrounded and most of their infidels had their throats cut."
"We made them drink poison last night and Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly."
"On this occasion, I am not going to mention the number of the infidels who were killed and the number of destroyed vehicles. The operation continues"
"We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted."
"I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly."
"Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected."
"NO", snapped Mr al-Sahaf, "We have retaken the airport. There are NO Americans there. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR!"
"We defeated them yesterday. God willing, I will provide you with more information. I swear by God, I swear by God, those who are staying in Washington and London have thrown these mercenaries in a crematorium."
"Please, please! The Americans are relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method."
"They will be burnt. We are going to tackle them"
"We blocked them inside the city. Their rear is blocked"
"Desperate Americans"
"Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport. The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed."
"Their casualties and bodies are many."
[On surrenders] "Those are not Iraqi soldiers at all. Where did they bring them from?"
"Just look carefully, I only want you to look carefully. Do not repeat the lies of liars. Do not become like them. Once again, I blame Al-Jazeera before it ascertains what takes place. Please, make sure of what you say and do not play such a role."
"Search for the truth. I tell you things and I always ask you to verify what I say. I told you yesterday that there was an attack and a retreat at Saddam's airport."
"You can go and visit those places. Nothing there, nothing at all. There are Iraqi checkpoints. Everything is okay."
"This boa, the American columns, are being besieged between Basra and other towns north, west, south and west of Basra....Now even the American command is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there."
"By God, I think this is rather very unlikely. This is merely a prattle. The fact is that as soon as they reach Baghdad gates, we will besiege them and slaughter them....Wherever they go they will find themselves encircled."
"Listen, this explosion does not frighten us any longer. The cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river. I mean here that over the past two days we managed to shoot down 196 missiles before they hit their target."
"Blair...is accusing us of executing British soldiers. We want to tell him that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured."
"They fled. The American louts fled. Indeed, concerning the fighting waged by the heroes of the Arab Socialist Baath Party yesterday, one amazing thing really is the cowardice of the American soldiers. we had not anticipated this."
"The louts of colonialism."
"It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait."
"W. Bush, this man is a war criminal, and we will see that he is brought to trial"
"I think the British nation has never been faced with a tragedy like this fellow [Blair]."
"The United Nations....[is] a place for prostitution under the feet of Americans."
"They are sick in their minds. They say they brought 65 tanks into center of city. I say to you this talk is not true. This is part of their sick mind."
"They are superpower of villains. They are superpower of Al Capone."
"Iraqi fighters in Umm Qasr are giving the hordes of American and Brtish mercenaries the taste of definite death. We have drawn them into a quagmire and they will never get out of it."
"What they say about a breakthrough [in Najaf] is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to have vibrations on these sacred places . . . they are trying to crack the buildings by flying low over them."
"Their forces committed suicide by the hundreds. ... The battle is very fierce and God made us victorious. The fighting continues."
"Yesterday, we slaughtered them and we will continue to slaughter them."
"We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp"
"When we were making the law, when we were writing the literature and the mathematics the grandfathers of Blair and little Bush were scratching around in caves"
About Bush: "the leader of the international criminal gang of bastards."
About Bush and Rumsfeld: "Those only deserve to be hit with shoes."
The
biggest health problem in America, one suspects even the world.
Evidently
someone is offering $10K to anyone who introduces him to a woman who he proposes to. it could well be a trend in future and it saddens me because i don't have and probably won't have the money. Was talking to a female my age a couple of days ago and our conversation inadvertently drifted to the topic of qualities of potential spouses. she wasn't shy to admit that the size of the guy's bank account was a very strong pull factor and i have reasons to believe this view is prevalent. however i must add that i have nothing against such a criterion, it makes perfect sense from a female perspective.
i will post and link potentially more offensive material the next few days; upholders of political-correctness and Christians are warned in particular. what the hell, let's start today.
Gay Porn Titles
almost anus: almost famous
anywhere butt here: anywhere but here
black cock down: black hawk down
blown alone: home alone
blue and the gay: blue and the gray
cockwatchers: clockwaters
daddie queerest: mommie dearest
dick dasterdly and buttley: dick dasterdly and muttley
dynobutt: dynomutt
empire of the bun: empire of the sun
enema at the gates: enemy at the gates
evil head 2: head by dawn: evil dead 2
gaydiator: gladiator
gaytricks: matrix
head again: dead again
jewels & jim: jules & jim
a knight's tail: a knight's tale
the longest gay: the longest day
the queer hunter: the deer hunter
paths of gloryholes: paths of glory
patton leather: patton
orifice space: office space
rock-a-noodle: rock-a-doodle
shitty shitty bang bang: chitty chitty bang bang
tight club: fight club
tour of booty: tour of duty
Regular titles that need no changing
a shot in the dark
blow
blown away
deep impact
final destination
fists of fury
for love of the game
goodfellas
gone in 60 seconds
great balls of fire
head over heels
herman's head
in the company of men
in too deep
manhunter
nuts
pretty in pink
sailor moon
the black hole
the bone collector
the cable guy
the emporer's new groove
the fast and the furious
the hard way
the insider
the naked gun
the nutty professor
the third man
Journey to
Planet Prostrate
there is hope for me yet
today's papers are jammed-packed with SARS (Special Administrative Region (HK) Syndrome) info and the opinions of dimwits working for the papers, either dripping with paranoia or pseudo-love for fellow humans. It is starting to grate on my nerves. The university has stated that students who appear unwell will either take the exams in 'specially-designated areas' or simply have their papers three weeks later. i quite like the sound of the first option, maybe a runny nose and raspy cough would do the trick.
'i want my soy sauce!'
Yesterday was the last day of school for the semester and now we are having our reading period for the examinations. therefore i'm not gonna blog much until the exams are over; not because i'm busy cramming but rather that i've nothing to say since i'll be cooped up at home. The first two papers are for modules on which i've given up hope, so i'll just concentrate on the other salvagable modules and hence i won't start revising so soon. i've a feeling that i'll be bored out of my underwear in the coming week, since i don't want to study and there is precious little for me to do at home (i don't want to embark on any new endeavours in this short period).
Time is passing frentically
the
dullest blog in the world
thursday lectures are done ,so no school today, been up since 4:30, head is swimming around, finished reading newspapers, had breakfast and dose of TV war coverage, going back to bed. There are many reasons why a guy would wake up very early and it is rarely to study or finish up assignments, for normal ordinary Joes that is. i've known a couple of freakos who do the above regularly under non-emergency conditions. i believe if the material doesn't get into one's thick skull during normal-hour studying, its ease of diffusion certainly won't improve with prolonged exposure in unearthly hours. yeah, haven't finished my point; male activity in the wee hours of the morning usually involves TV and/or the PC with the following objectives: sports, computer games and porno.
Yes, what i promised yesterday:
According to the book Hidden Bedroom Partners: Needs and Motives That Destroy Sexual Pleasure, what your partner does after sex may have lots of hidden meanings. Immediately rolling over and going to sleep may indicate anger. Going to the bathroom may reflect feelings of guilt.
The typical person spends about 600 hours having sex between the ages of 20 and 70.
Reserachers say that condoms exposed to smog and ozone are less effective.
Americans spend twice as much money on pornography than they do on cookies.
A survey in Cosmopolitan magazine said that foreplay usually last 14 to 17 minutes for the average married couple, and that the man typically reaches orgasm after six minutes of copulation.
According to the Earthsave Foundation, the sperm count of the average American male is down 30 percent from 30 years ago.
According to Runner's World magazine, two out of three runners say that they fantasize about sex while running. On the other hand, one out of 11 fantasizes about running while having sex.
On average, it takes two tablespoons of blood to get a man's penis erect.
According to one theory, people who chew a lot of ice have a high sex drive.
The 1992 Kinsey Report established that the average man's speed of emission was 18 kilometers per hour.
According to the National Institute of Business Management, one of every eight boss-secretary romances ends in marriage. One out of 10 secretaries admits to having been romantically involved with her boss, with only 25 percent saying that the experience had negative impact on their careers.
According to Archives of General Medicine, coffee drinkers have sex more frequently and enjoy it more than non-coffee drinkers.
Working Woman reports that companies with the lowest percentage of women workers have the highest percentage of sexual harassment complaints.
The average time that a man lasts after penetration is two minutes.
According to the Kinsey Report, 10 percent of the population is exclusively hetero or homosexual.
According to the Hite Report, candles are the artificial device used more frequently by women when masturbating.
According to Kinsey Report (1953), 15 percent of the female population was capable of multiple orgasms.
20 million Americans watch pornography annually.
Regular cranberry juice is better for a bladder infection than organic cranberry juice because of the acidity of the preservative benzoic acid.
The vagina and the eye are self-cleaning organs.
According to Susan Lark, MD, director of the PMS Self-Help Center in Los Altos, Calif., having sex with orgasm relieves menstrual cramps because the vigorous muscle action moves blood and other fluids away from congested organs.
Radiohead's forthcoming album 'Hail To The Thief' has leaked on the Net but band members insist that the compromised recordings are unfinished mixes. i have the patience to wait till June 9 for the release of the album.
a coincidence. 'girl' whom i mentioned yesterday attended my class to make-up for another class she missed and sat on my left. 'boy' whom i also previously mentioned, who was in my class to begin with, sat on my right. alas they didn't interact enough for me to notice anything interesting. In contrast, another of such a boy-girl combination was sitting together in the same class, chatting merrily. the latter boy has been trying all semester to get into the girl's good books, by what i call the propinquity approach; i.e. exposing oneself in the presence of the target as often as possible by standing in strategic positions, talking to her at strategic times and displaying one's feathers at strategic instances. i must admit the boy's technique is pretty refined. the girl shares more lesson time with me than Mr Sunshine but my mental picture of the girl always includes the boy within a ten metre radius of her. At least she is warming up to him; my friend, the former boy, is going nowhere with his object of desire even though he sees her almost everyday. He should observe the other guy and learn.
Random nuggets of information:
The Ibo tribe of Nigeria had three punishments for adulterous couples, each increasingly ghastly. The least harsh involved tying the couple up, putting a stake through the man into the woman, and carrying them off to a pool filled with loathsome reptiles.
Queen Anne had a transvestite cousin, Lord Cornbury, whom she assigned to be governor of New York and New Jersey. The colonists were not amused.
In 1964, a jury awarded $50,000 to a woman who claimed a cable car accident in San Francisco had made her into a nymphomaniac.
One expert says that in New Guinea, women are only attracted to men who have an ampalang.
The young males of Sambia in New Guinea must perform a ritualized homosexual act with tribe elders until they reach adulthood. When they get older, they have sex with women, during which they hold their noses with clothespin like devices.
A favorite hangout for prostitutes in 17th century London was St. John's Park. Even though the gates were locked at 10 p.m., 6,500 people had authorized keys (many unauthorized keys were also in circulation. At the time, London had about 50,000 prostitutes.
Some Romanian villagers sing a song that accompanies a traditional goat dance. The lyrics to the song are so sexually suggestive that Cable News Network refuses to translate them.
According to Blitz Magazine in Bombay, India, 28 year old Nagaba Jugalgiri pulled a car with his penis in front of Mahalakshmi Temple in protest of India's 1989 oil crisis.
Kellogg's Corn Flakes were invented by a Dr. Kellogg in hopes that they would reduce masturbation.
In 1746, a special hospital for the treatment of venereal diseases known as a "lock hospital" was opened on Harrow Road in London. In medieval times, lock hospitals only housed lepers.
According The Solitary Vice, a book for doctors that came out in the 1890s, women who masturbate tend to eat a lot of foods containing mustard and vinegar.
Cleopatra had stones inserted in her vagina to prevent her from getting pregnant.
One punishment for an adulterous wife in medieval France was to make her chase a chicken through town naked.
Simone de Beauvoir had her first orgasm thanks to Nelson Algren.
As late as 1940, a candidate for the U.S. Naval Academy was rejected if it was discovered that he masturbated.
According to a couple of recent biographies, Lord Baden-Powell, founder of the Boy Scouts, was a repressed homosexual who was obsessed with looking at photos of naked young boys.
An American urologist once bought Napoleon's penis for $40,000.
Women were discouraged from having orgasms during the Middle Ages because it was thought that orgasms made women less capable of getting pregnant
Francis I of France once said, "Anyone who doesn't have a mistress is a nincompoop."
Catherine of Medici, the Italian wife of Henry II of France, organized prostitution as an important arm of diplomacy, and employed her maids of honor to achieve her ends
Modern France ended state regulated prostitution in 1946. The movement was led by Marthe Richard, who later changed her opinion.
At the beginning of the 16th century, Rome had more registered prostitutes proportionately, than Venice. Rome, which had 6,800 out of total population of 90,000 versus Venice, which had 11,654 out of 300,000.
Removing pubic hair was a fashionable sexual practice among European women in the 16th century.
Charlemagne thought prostitution should be punishable by death in some cases.
The missionary position was the favorite sexual position of both modern Europeans and ancient Romans.
Cleopatra made her diaphragm from camel dung.
The modern IUD invented was invented in 1909.
Young was the first condom manufacturer to advertise in a major American magazine--it was the June 1969 issue of Sport magazine and the ad was against VD. Ironically Playboy refused to accept Young's add until 1972.
i'll have more tomorrow.
Put your life into perspective
Where have i encountered this before: bubbly and loquacious boy secretly interested in mature and self-assured girl of about same age, boy behaves like a puppy upon its master's return in the girl's presence, girl remains friendly (though she senses his intentions) but infuriatingly still a distance away. generally two endings: boy in his blinding enthusiasm fails to read the warning signs and winds up a wounded puppy when girl gives him the cold treatment/ boy has the presence of mind to understand girl has much better taste and never makes the critical make-or-break move. When will we guys ever learn? (no, i'm not talking about myself, too busy watching the real-life drama unfold and guessing the ending)
My immersion stint to Münster, Germany has been indefinitely postponed, the reason is clear enough i suppose. now i'd have to find a way to spend the forthcoming holidays productively and i've never had such a long break in my life.
The
real reason for the Iraq war.
It rains and rains and rains. the misery of the weather is compounded by being actually caught in it; and getting oneself splashed on by passing vehicles, more than once. my pants are still wet. if i still had my trusty rifle (no. S201), i'd shoot the bloody drivers. i'm not an advocate of excessive violence so i will just shoot each bugger twice.
so surgical masks are sold out everywhere now, that's ok, i'd be worried if sanitary pads were sold out though (see 3rd April blog). seems like people are also
overcoming functional fixedness in dealing with mask shortages. currently i'm devising a way to make crude masks out of toilet paper and rubber bands. you'll be notified if i come up with something usable.
watched 'All Quiet on the Western Front' today. well, it's rather faithful to the original text, hence almost all the classic scenes are covered in the film, even the part where the newbie shits in his pants upon incoming artillery. The only gripe i have is that the acting is too theatrical but i suppose that it is symptomatic of that era. Subtlety would enhance the poignancy. of course very few films do achieve the same depth as their adapted novels, so we're still better off reading Remarque's book because of the vivid descriptions and the narrator's insightful introspections which are rather unfortunately voiced out in the film, adding to the overtheatrical feel yet losing some of the bleakness and desperation. that this film was banned in at least seven countries and heavily censored in many others speaks volumes about its brutally-frank portrayals. im glad that it was made before the prudish Production Code came into place, for one the memorable scene where the French soldier is killed by Baumer's grenade while crossing the barbed wire, leaving only his severed hands grabbing it would never have made the cut. a remake of this film is long overdue.
Adds a
whole new dimension to the meaning of the 'scent of a woman'.
Realized that lots of people post lyrics or poems on their blogs, that's something i've considered doing. so here it is, lyrics to one of the greatest songs of all time.
They're Pinky and The Brain
Yes, Pinky and The Brain
One is a genius
The other's insane.
They're laboratory mice
Their genes have been spliced
They're dinky
They're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain
Brain.
Before each night is done
Their plan will be unfurled
By the dawning of the sun
They'll take over the world.
They're Pinky and The Brain
Yes, Pinky and The Brain
Their twilight campaign
Is easy to explain.
To prove their mousey worth
They'll overthrow the Earth
They're dinky
They're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain
Narf!
speaking of cartoons, i kinda miss those that i grew up with; Mask, Transformers, the Disney series (Duck Tales ...etc) and not forgetting
the Smurfs. someday film and cultural studies majors will be made to watch the cartoons that accompanied my youth, maybe even adulthood, and write term papers on them; e.g. 'Compare and contrast the strategies employed in the narrative discourse of Gummi Bears and the Chipmunks.'
KynTheMan's 100 Greatest Albums 1990-2003
(in no particular order)
1 Little Earthquakes, Tori Amos
2 Post, Björk
3 Metallica, Metallica
4 Achtung Baby, U2
5 Grace, Jeff Buckley
6 The Virgin Suicides OST, Air
7 100 Broken Windows, Idlewild
8 Violator, Depeche Mode
9 OK Computer, Radiohead
10 Rated R, Queens Of The Stone Age
11 Dirty, Sonic Youth
12 A Northern Soul, The Verve
13 Slanted And Enchanted, Pavement
14 Dig Your Own Hole, Chemical Brothers
15 Siamese Dream, Smashing Pumpkins
16 Parklife, Blur
17 Is This It, The Strokes
18 White Blood Cells, The White Stripes
19 Play, Moby
20 Make Yourself, Incubus
21 Love Is Here, Starsailor
22 The Boy With The Arab Strap, Belle and Sebastian
23 It's A Wonderful Life, Sparklehorse
24 The Bends, Radiohead
25 Loveless, My Bloody Valentine
26 Rings Around The World, Super Furry Animals
27 Coming Up, Suede
28 In Utero, Nirvana
29 Angel Dust, Faith No More
30 Dummy, Portishead
31 Parachutes, Coldplay
32 The Soft Bulletin, The Flaming Lips
33 Toxicity, System Of A Down
34 Weezer, Weezer
35 Superunknown, Soundgarden
36 (What's The Story) Morning Glory, Oasis
37 Ill Communication, Beastie Boys
38 White Pony, Deftones
39 Thirteen Tales From Urban Bohemia, The Dandy Warhols
40 Ultra, Depeche Mode
41 The Hour of The Bewilderbeast, Badly Drawn Boy
42 Hello Nasty, Beastie Boys
43 Mechanical Animals, Marilyn Manson
44 Automatic For The People, REM
45 Screamadelica, Primal Scream
46 Nevermind, Nirvana
47 Nu-Clear Sounds, Ash
48 Dookie, Green Day
49 Origin Of Symmetry, Muse
50 Aenema, Tool
51 Definitely Maybe, Oasis
52 First Band On The Moon, The Cardigans
53 The Fat Of The Land, The Prodigy
54 The Battle Of Los Angeles, Rage Against The Machine
55 Mutter, Rammstein
56 Live Through This, Hole
57 Figure 8, Elliott Smith
58 Korn, Korn
59 Rid Of Me, PJ Harvey
60 Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness, Smashing Pumpkins
61 Alice/Blood Money, Tom Waits
62 Quiet Is The New Loud, Kings Of Convenience
63 Bachelor No.2, Aimee Mann
64 Blue Lines, Massive Attack
65 XO, Elliott Smith
66 The Man Who, Travis
67 Odelay, Beck
68 Out Of Time, REM
69 Get Ready, New Order
70 Poses, Rufus Wainwright
71 Lost Souls, Doves
72 In It For The Money, Supergrass
73 The Optimist LP, Turin Brakes
74 The Battle Of Los Angeles, Rage Against The Machine
75 The Holy Bible, Manic Street Preachers
76 The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill, Lauryn Hill
77 Mezzanine, Massive Attack
78 Ten, Pearl Jam
79 Homogenic, Björk
80 The Downward Spiral, Nine Inch Nails
81 The Color And The Shape, Foo Fighters
82 Kid A/Amnesiac, Radiohead
83 You've Come A Long Way, Baby, Fatboy Slim
84 Blur, Blur
85 Ladies and Gentlemen, We're Floating In Space, Spiritualized
86 Asleep In The Back, Elbow
87 Agaetis Byrjun, Sigur Ros
88 Everything Must Go, Manic Street Preachers
89 Bee Thousand, Guided By Voices
90 Different Class, Pulp
91 Pieces Of You, Jewel
92 Urban Hymns, The Verve
93 Maxinquaye, Tricky
94 Relationship of Command, At The Drive-In
95 If You're Feeling Sinister, Belle and Sebastian
96 Blood Sugar Sex Magik, Red Hot Chili Peppers
97 A Rush Of Blood To The Head, Coldplay
98 Mellow Gold, Beck
99 Morning View, Incubus
100 Time Out Of Mind, Bob Dylan
email me your opinions, i'll justify my selections if i have to.
i want one of
these for my birthday.
Had repeated run-ins today with what i term 'slow-moving cluster of females' (Latin:irritatingilier stupidis bitchus). some characteristics of this unique anthropological group: can manifest with various elements, e.g lumbering middle aged women, gossiping, giggling students or gossiping, guffawing office ladies, can shift its collective shape to take up the entire length of whichever corridor or stairway they are traversing, can suddenly stop moving for no reason at strategic places (e.g. mouth of stairway), can never move above snail-pace hence the name and pisses off rapid-moving solo male.
still working on the greatest 100 albums list, it's three-quarters done, but i've two assignments to complete over the weekend.
moby's blog
Was walking along a corridor when i saw an acquaintance approaching from the other end about 30 feet away. since i didn't think she spotted me yet, i quickly looked down and altered my path slightly. just when i was walking past her, she suddenly called my name and i was thus obliged to look up at her, conjure up a smile and a hi from nowhere. not that i dislike her but i simply desire being unnoticed. From now on i think i should hide among the trees to get from place to place in campus.
i've heard surgical masks have been sold out. Thank God i've got a box of sanitary pads...with wings for extra protection. By the way i've got some important health information below.
My wife has stopped using the pill and we now use condoms. For a day or so after having intercourse, my penis is covered with an itchy red rash. It's only started since I began using condoms. Could I be allergic to them?
Eric
Dr Hicks: Although in the past condom allergy was thought to be a poor excuse used by men when they didn't want to use a condom, it has become clear recently that the problem is real. So much so that 'low allergy' or 'hypoallergenic' condoms are now readily available. One is the 'Avanti' condom made by Durex and 'Femidom' female condoms, which are made from polyurethane rather than rubber.
The female condom is also made from polyurethane and for some couples is a good choice. It's thin and soft and lines the vagina when in place with the closed end inserted high into the vagina. One advantage of the female condom over the male condom is that it can be put in anytime before sex and therefore may not interfere with spontaneity.
However, you may actually be sensitive to the spermicide that lubricates the condom and not the rubber. To find out, try using a condom without the nonoxynol 9 or 11 spermicide to see if that helps.
For many people, a lack of lubrication is the underlying cause. The friction caused by dry skin surfaces makes sex uncomfortable and can leave you with the sort of irritation you describe. The solution here is to use extra lubricant during foreplay and intercourse. These should always be water-based (e.g. KY Jelly), and not oil-based which cause tiny holes to appear in the rubber.
A handy tip to avoid dryness and the friction damage it brings is to 'jel-charge' the condom. To do this, expel the air from the tip of the condom as you would normally, put some lubricant inside the top of the condom, and massage it over the penis as you role the condom on. This not only solves the problem of dryness but also heightens the sensation experienced during intercourse.
i couldn't publish yesterday because Blogger had some technical difficulties; it turns out that only non-Blogger Pro people were affected. since i don't pay Blogger, i should be subjected to potential screw-ups. Oh, for readers who don't know, i'm using the free service which means i cannot host images, do this, do that, blah...
Anyway, it's the start of a new month, yet the weather remains horrid, my mental state remains unstable and people remain irritating. Today, a female stranger had the audacity to look me full in the eye, not once but twice. What impudence! only i have the inalienable right to stare at others, never vice versa. in that brief fraction of a second of eye contact, i saw in her eyes a mixture of morbid fascination and revulsion. everyone should just stay home and stop bothering me with their presence. i've learnt that the sudden onset of a dry, hacking cough is the best way to get more room on public transport.
Watched 'Battleship Potemkin', just to see what the fuss was about. Film isn't my forte so i shall refrain from the deconstruction and analyses. well, at least i can see why the Odessa staircase sequence is so famous. the mother with the baby carriage was a little over-melodramatic after she got shot, though i suppose that was the style of the times. the film wasn't bad overall but i feel it pales in comparison to the Chaplin classics emotionally at least; the latter had the capacity to make audiences (including me) laugh and cry. maybe i just can't relate to the subject matter of Eisenstein's film.
Have been considering another project to start on. my previous one, the tasteless jokes collection, has stalled at 119 pages but it is by no stretch of the imagination abandoned. i've therefore decided to work on something close to my heart and which i've a certain level of expertise, music albums. the whole endeavour is already under way and hopefully it'll see the light of day soon, meaning end of this week but no promises.
Title: The 100 Greatest Albums from 1990-2003.
Why: Numerous lists have been published by Q and NME magazines (complied from reader suggestions and have a high level of credibility). naturally i have my objections and reservations over some inclusions and omissions, so i might as well just make a list of my own. to the best of my knowledge, there has been no list ranging from 1990 to today.
Why the time span: Because i'm most familiar with music from this period. not having experienced the Zeitgeist of particular landmark periods of modern music history, it is hence difficult for me to judge the relative cultural impact and artistic merit of albums like Pet Sounds and Revolver.
Caveats?: The albums on the list will be largely mainstream. i understand there are brilliant yet very obscure indie or folk albums which technically should make the cut but they lose out in terms of influence, which is a judging criteria, and i simply cannot include an album if i've never heard of it, much less heard it. There will be controversial choices as in they do not usually appear on 'greatest' lists, yet are nonetheless gems in their own genre. Anyway, it's not as if the whole world is going to see the list and that it will have potential significant impact, so if there are disagreements, which i'm sure will exist, understand that it's just one unknown bugger's personal opinion. Most likely i'll make some mistakes in that i plain forgot about an outstanding candidate.
